Anonymous asked: your sick so you smoke weed? what kind of sickness? (if thats not too far)
I have endometriosis it’s a chronic pain disease where the lining of my uterus grows outside of the uterus…on other organs and tissues. It then bleeds during that time of the month and my organs are forced to absorb blood that should be being expelled from my body. I have it on my sciatic nerve and it feels like i’m being shocked by an electric fence…but for a prolonged period of time.
That moment when everything is destroyed
The love of my life walked away from me tonight….not even an hour ago. This is the worst day of my existence. We finally broke up over the pot. He doesn’t like that I use it at all so even when I didn’t smoke around him he was still upset that I had smoked period. He told me that if it wasn’t for me being sick and I just smoked pot because I wanted to that he would have been gone long before now. My heart is completely shattered. This is the one person I wanted to marry and have a family with.
We’re still txting each other a little bit but I feel like I’m grasping at strings. I feel like I love him more. Like this is hurting me more. I know we don’t see eye to eye on this but he is the love of my life….what am I s’pose to do now? I know I’m not ever going to be able to let someone else in. He was the one who broke down so many of my barriers and showed me what it was like to love someone. I don’t want anyone else to know me the way he does.
When does any part of my life get easier?
WHEN!?
How much do I have to lose before enough is enough?
This is BULLSHIT!
Rock Bottom - it’s finally that time
The past few years of my life have been pretty terrible. I thought maybe 2012 would hold something good for me but so far that’s not the case.
2011/12 Flashback
living in Illinois with my mom & her boyfriend (I won’t even go into this since most of it took place the year before and I have enough to cover)
Goto Michigan to help my psychotic grandmother move because she is getting evicted. She then proceeds to kick me out of her house because she is possibly the most evil person I ever met
Move in with boyfriend and his family in the middle of nowhere
Did I mention I have no car?
Boyfriend and I find his dad dying in the kitchen in the middle of the night. He later passes away at the hospital
My summer was full of funeral arrangements and living with a grieving family
My boyfriends mother loses it and kicks out my boyfriend, disowns the youngest son, tells the oldest he has to move all of his things out of the house or they r getting thrown away, doesn’t give him anything of his fathers, kicks me out of her house by having her sister call to tell me over the phone while I’m on my way to work
Spent part of my summer being homeless with my friend M…..slept in her car, at work, and then stayed with another coworker for a while
Mind you I’m homeless and have 3 dogs
Then we finally find an apartment in the city and after a few months we start getting threats from management and shitty phone calls and letters
My endo is back full blown all over again, can’t work from the pain, no $ because I’m not working, and I receive no government aid
Back with my ex-boyfriend from a year prior and we end up pregnant, so then I had an abortion, which I am still having side effects from the medication
Now our landlords r threatening us again and I think we are terminating our lease in a couple months because it’s ridiculous
On top of all of that my boyfriend doesn’t like that I smoke weed and it’s a constant source of tension. He comes home from work and doesn’t kiss me or touch me…i’m always the one to show affection. I asked him if all the passion was gone for him and he said no….but i don’t think i can believe that. I love him and want to marry him but I know we won’t make it and it makes me sad…more than sad…heartbroken. He’s the one I want to share my life with. I feel like he is fed up with me smoking and I don’t want him to resent me. We have such a big history together and I missed him so much when we were apart. I knew I’d made a mistake and I never thought I’d be able to set it right. Now I get the second chance I never thought I’d have and I’m going to lose him all over again. It’s like I’m just watching a train wreck in slow motion and I can’t do anything to stop it.
Maybe my 6:30 a.m. bowl is going to be a tradition to look forward to instead of a continual realization of how shitty I sleep - my silver lining
Will I ever be able to sleep again?
6:30 a.m.
Can’t sleep
Cramps
Lower back pain
Electric current running through my legs (comparable to being zapped by an electric fence for a prolonged period of time)
How long has it been since I slept through the night?
Been tossing and turning since 1 a.m.
It’s hard to have a normal existence when there’s really nothing normal left
If this is how I’m going to have to live my entire life…I’ll pass…there’s no happiness here
Smoking a bowl then going back to bed…my dreams are much better than my reality
Ruining me
There are days the endo makes me feel worthless, lazy, directionless. Where is my life going in this state? I can’t work or attend school. I’m stuck in this apartment all day with nothing to do. I have to rely on family to help pay my bills. I’m such an active person I feel like the endo is sucking my soul out and I’m not sure if I have any strength left in me to even care.
How do I get out of this slump?
“Morning Sickness” Update
Thanks to everyone who left me advice about the big decision I had to make Friday on whether or not to keep the tiny little tadpole growing inside me. Here is an update on that post about what decision I made and everything that has happened since then.
Friday I had my appointment scheduled at Planned Parenthood for 10:30 am. My boyfriend “Marc” and I had talked this pretty much to death but sitting in the parking lot we were still undecided. Time was running out so we had to at least go in the building to check in. We were supposed to be there for close to 4 hours and have plenty of time to change our minds and high tail it out of there if we needed.
We sat in the general waiting room trying to talk quietly to each other because there’s really no room for privacy. Though it’s not hard to look around and see why each person is there. A nurse comes out to call a name every couple of minutes and every time I see the door open my heart leaps into my throat. Finally I get called and I’m so nervous I’m sweating through my shirt.
I get the vaginal ultrasound which isn’t painful but very cold. The woman was very nice….actually the nicest person I’d be dealing with all day. She asked whether I was decided yet one way or the other and I told her that I wasn’t. I was trying not to cry but she was very sweet and made me feel comfortable.
After she left the room “Marc” and I started txting each other. Still no decision was clear to either of us. Finally I said that if we couldn’t decide yes to keep it with certainty then our answer must be no. I think what was hardest was we thought that I’d never be able to get pregnant and now here I was but at this completely awful timing where we aren’t in a stable part of our lives where we could raise a child in a healthy environment.
Adoption wasn’t a good decision for us because I couldn’t give the baby away and not know if it had a good happy life. I wouldn’t want strangers raising our baby. I know Pro-Life people probably don’t understand….she would rather kill her baby than give it to a good home. I don’t think psychologically I could deal with walking around for 9 months getting attached to a baby that I had to eventually give away. I was very attached at almost 7 weeks…they told me I was 6 weeks 6 days. I can’t imagine carrying a child that long, giving birth, then giving it away.
Someone else mentioned that having an abortion wouldn’t have an effect on me getting pregnant again. I was actually worried about my Endo keeping me from getting pregnant and not the abortion. However medical abortion has no research to support whether or not the medicine will affect a future pregnancy. Surgical abortion increases your chance of having future miscarriages and having babies that are premature.
Really at the end of the day there is no good decision. All choices have pros and cons and it’s not “Which one has more pros or which one has more cons?” it all comes down to, “what can you handle right now?” I didn’t even want to make a choice. I wanted to go find a time machine and travel back to the day of conception and take back the great sex I’m sure we were having. I just wish it never happened. My life already has so many difficulties as is that I told Marc, “I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this without being committed or going on a homicidal rampage.”
But even if life gives you shit you deal with it because what choice do you really have. Now I was in pre-counseling and had just had my urine and blood samples taken. This woman sat and told me about the surgical and medical options. I kept looking at my phone to see if Marc had txted me….are we going through with this are we not going through with this? I had no idea and I was stalling. This woman was getting agitated with me and said, “Is there anything I can say that will help you make a decision? We really need to get moving along here.” I told her I made the appointment for surgical and she had the paperwork out for medical. She went to switch the papers and I checked my phone…still nothing. In my mind I just told myself I guess we’re going through with this so just get through it. She comes back and asked me if I’d had anything to eat today and I had. Apparently someone was supposed to tell me this on the phone when I made the appointment but they didn’t because they never even bothered to put down that I had switched to the surgical option 5 days prior. Now I had to either wait another week to do the surgical or take the pills now. I was extremely pissed off to say the least.
I chose to do the medical after the nurse talked with the doctor about me having Endo. The doctor said it would be fine and I wouldn’t have any more pain than anyone else would. I had never even thought about how the pill would affect my Endo. Then back to the waiting room I went. I think I saw 5 people and had to go back to the waiting room 4 times…it was sorta ridiculous. Finally I was in the “I’m having an abortion waiting room” with a handful of other girls. Office space was playing and one girl was in pjs hooked up to an IV.
I get called to see the doctor and am put in a room to wait alone. I keep checking my phone frantically hoping Marc has some epiphany and knows exactly what we should do. Then the doctor came in and asked if I was angry about anything to which I replied no. Then he asked if I was upset and I sort of just sat there thinking…is this guy a complete idiot? Is he trying to make a seriously unfunny joke right now? I said yes I’m obviously kind of upset. He sits down and explains to me the process of the pills. I’m trying so hard to hold back tears that I can’t even bring myself to respond to the doctor in words. Every question or statement he made received a nod. He held out the first pill for me to take and I took it. I somehow made it through the maze back to the waiting room where if everyone didn’t know I was getting an abortion to begin with definitely knew now. I walked in front of Marc all the way to the car and once inside I started to sob. He tried talking to me but all I could say was that I just wanted to go home.
Now this first pill I took at the clinic was only going to make me spot a little bit and give me some cramps. It blocks the hormone Progesterone that supports healthy pregnancy. The next day I’d be taking 4 pills that dissolved in my cheeks (they have to dissolve in your mouth for 30 min and then you swallow what’s remaining with water.) As the day wore on I started to feel worse and worse. Nausea more intense than the morning sickness, lower back pain, abdominal pain, chest pain, trouble breathing, light headedness, I couldn’t eat or barely drink any water, I was throwing up all night, couldn’t sleep when I was in bed, and had chills but was sweating through my clothes. I finally woke Marc up at about 6:30 a.m. and told him we needed to goto the E.R.
I’m signing in and the receptionist asks what brought me in tonight. I told her I’d taken day 1 of the abortion pills and was having a bad reaction. She thought I had taken Plan B and my immediate thought was ok she doesn’t know there’s an abortion pill or she thinks Plan B is an abortion pill. I wouldn’t say it’s an abortion pill because there has to be something to abort. Plan B keeps eggs from being able to attach to the uterus where they’d start to grow. Maybe I’d call it a pre-abortion. Anyway. I get checked in, vitals are taken, back to the waiting room I go, someone bring me a wheelchair, and pushes me back to my room.
So I’m there for 4 hours and everyone is unbelievably nice to me. They take blood, a urine sample, check my blood pressure a few times, and load me up with drugs. I’m not a big medicine person and by that I mean I take no prescription or over the counter medication. They ran saline through me because I was so dehydrated, gave me pain killers, and nausea meds. I managed to eat 2 cups of ice and then vomit them up all over the floor. The first doctor who talked to me had to go research the abortion medication I’d taken because he wasn’t even familiar with it. Planned parenthood used to use the same product as the hospital and apparently they changed it. After that I was feeling pretty uneasy about the fact that I took a pill that these people haven’t heard of. Then I get to see the doctor who is in charge of everyone in the E.R. for the night and he was pretty cool. They told me if I wanted to take the second day of pills and come back that they would help me though it or I could go back to planned parenthood and have the surgical procedure done. If I started feeling bad again I could also come back and they’d make me comfortable. The doctor said he was actually surprised more women who take these pills aren’t coming into the E.R. because the side effects are so severe that hospitalization should almost be required. I explained to him how the nurse at the clinic told me I’d only have spotting and light cramps until I took the other set of pills.
They sent me home with prescriptions for nausea and pain. Wes pulled the car around to get me and about a block away we pull over so I can throw up out of the car door. We make it home and I rush to the bathroom to puke yet again. I felt so good at the hospital but that’s because I had a ton of meds in me and I was relaxed, lying down, dozing off. Now I was up, moving around, full of drugs, and an empty stomach…pretty much a disaster. I told Marc I felt just as bad now as when we left to goto the damn hospital.
I was finally able to get in bed when I felt myself started to bleed. Marc is running to the bathroom to get me a towel and as soon as it started it stopped. Somehow I managed to get a little sleep after the nausea subsided…the next day was just as bad and I didn’t even take those other pills. I started cramping very bad right before bed to the point that all I could do was moan in the fetal position. Then it all got real interesting. I had been passing clots during the day and thought maybe I’d passed the embryo already. How would I even know? Then it finally happened. I went to the bathroom after some intense cramping and realized I passed the embryo. It was extremely creepy looking and I was like what the hell am I s’pose to do with this. Is there some sort of etiquette? I can’t bury it…it’s the middle of winter. I sat it in the sink and decided to deal with the more pressing matter….I wouldn’t stop bleeding. I was sitting on the toilet and the blood was just pouring out….I couldn’t get up or get dressed. I called to Marc and he comes in and sees that there is blood everywhere and he’s running to get the emergency numbers. I decided to get in the shower and we’re trying to figure out what to do. It’s only supposed to be an emergency if you soak through one maxi pad in an hour for 2 hours. Well I hate maxi pads….who wants to walk around with a bloody diaper on all day? gross. So I got panty liners which I would have to change more often but I’d feel much less nasty using. I’m telling her I’m going through the equivalent of 1 pad in an hour but she says she doesn’t know what that is. I need to have someone goto the store, buy me maxi pads, and then wait to see if I bleed through them. I was like oh ok that sounds like a great idea since I had to call 3 numbers, leave a message, wait for a call back, and now have to have someone goto the store for me and wait another hour……hopefully I have a drop of blood left in my body by that time. She was so completely unhelpful it was fucking ridiculous. I literally thought I was going to need a blood transfusion. If it had kept up any longer than that I probably would have because I was feeling very weird and Marc said I was acting loopy. By this time I’m exhausted…it’s been the worst 2 days of my life and I just want to sleep. We had disposed of the embryo…I could see it’s weird head, nubby limbs, and tail (it looked like an alien.) Then we set an alarm to wake us up a little later to make sure I wasn’t dying and went to sleep. When the alarm went off my bleeding had slowed and I was still alive!
It’s been a few days now and I’m still spotting and cramping a little once in a while. I decided I’m not going back to planned parenthood for a surgical procedure because I was 6 wks 6 days along. If you have a miscarriage under 10 wks your body can handle it on it’s own without pills or uterine scrapers. I’m going to wait 2 weeks then go to planned parenthood for my follow up and I’ll see how my spotting is and if I’m still cramping. If I’m fine I won’t tell them I didn’t take the 2nd set of pills and if I’m not then I’ll do the surgical. My body should be able to handle this on its own without any complications because I wasn’t very far along.
I would not recommend taking the abortion pills. I couldn’t even take all the pills I got so sick. I should have rescheduled for this weekend and had the surgical procedure done instead. Yes it’s more invasive but it’s done much quicker and they can sedate you. You have a little bit of cramping for 5-10 min instead of cramping for days. Now when I say cramping this really means contractions because you’re body is trying to expel everything in the uterus. I also found that there are women who reported getting Endometriosis from the abortion pills. Amazing how the doctor at the clinic told me taking these pills and having endo would be fine. What part of giving someone a pill that could cause the chronic pain disease they are already struggling with to intensify seems ethical? Oh right….none of it.
I’ve written this over a few days and think I have everything in here. If anyone has any questions/comments feel free to voice them.
Morning Sickness
Dear fellow Endo-ninjas,
I did a small post about this earlier when one of us asked me a few questions but now I’ll delve a little deeper. I’m 24 years old and live with my hippie girl roomie who is 22. My boyfriend is 23 and he lives with his brother and a friend not too far away from us. I’ll call my boyfriend “Marc” for reference purposes so I don’t have to continually say boyfriend. Anywho Marc and I were engaged for 2 years, split up for a year and 3 months, then got back together the end of Sept. of last year. This means we’ve been back together for about 4 months.
Previously when we were engaged I did have Endo and also had a surgery. We both knew that there was pretty much no way I could get pregnant. Many doctors and specialists alike told me my chances were pretty much one in a million. To me this was ok because I never wanted to get married and I never wanted children. Yes I do realize I was engaged and that normally leads to marriage lol but for me I could take it or leave it. If you love someone then you love them and the need for a piece of paper or the possibility of a nasty divorce were things I could do without. So we went about our relationship, had lots of crazy sex, never got pregnant (I wasn’t on birth control and we didn’t use condoms). Now part of the time we were together I was on the pill and on the Depo shot but they weren’t being used for birth control they were being used to balance my hormones for my Endo (and let me tell you that none of what I was on did a thing for my Endo except to exacerbate it).
Even when we were broke up for over a year I was on no birth control and never once had a pregnancy scare. Now that I’m on these natural medications my body seems to be responding and starting to heal/balance itself out properly. I know this because on the 18th I took two pregnancy tests and they were both positive. I don’t have a regular cycle and never have so it was difficult trying to determine if I was late or not. I started to get morning sickness and that’s when I knew I had to take a test.
Marc was with me and we were both stunned…still are. So pretty much this is what we are down to…keep the baby…don’t keep the baby. I myself have honestly never liked children and never wanted children. Everyone in my family has divorced at least once and if they haven’t then they are unhappily married. To me growing up I just never understood why anyone would want that life for themselves. It seemed to me that you married someone you didn’t really care for, lived a miserable life, and raised you’re children in that life. I never wanted that for myself and I would never want that for my children. Everyone in my family has always had the monetary means to support a family but no-one had the tools to make things work beyond paying the bills and buying things for each other. Mostly it was all just a lot of backstabbing, selfishness, and flat out being mean to one another.
I also grew up without a father…not that he is dead or anything but he and my mom divorced when I was only a few years old and she remarried my stepdad. Both men (if you can call them that) played no supportive role in my life whatsoever. They both bought me stuff and more stuff. And I’m not blaming my parents for the way I was raised. Realistically they didn’t have the tools and neither did their parents. You can’t show affection that you yourself have never experienced. Growing up it really took a very long time for me to get to a point where I gave a shit about anyone. I was mean in high school because I honestly just thought it was normal. I had my best girlfriend one day ask me why I was so mean to her. I apologized and felt so bad that I was making her feel the way that I felt. I knew I felt bad but it just seemed like par for the course. As I got older and finally met Marc when I was 21 I still hadn’t had a relationship with a guy that I really cared about. I never got attached, I never got my hopes up, and I never let my walls down. Marc comes from a whole different breed of men lol and he really threw me for a loop. He wanted to know me! He wanted to know what I liked, what I loved, what my dreams were. He told me he loved me and he wanted to marry me and have children with me! Now to someone like me this is terrifying. Love? Marriage? Babies? PUKE. I just thought to myself what fantasy world is he living in….wants to know my favorite flower lol what a silly boy. But he won me over…..he always brought me flowers, wrote me love letters, we made dinner together, went out at least once a month somewhere very fancy for dinner and would sit for hours just talking and laughing, he made me feel comfortable, he made me happy, he made me feel loved, and he broke down all of those walls that were suffocating me.
But here we are….I’m 24, have a chronic illness, haven’t worked for months because of the pain, I have no transportation, have no $ to support myself let alone a child, and I don’t want to have to rely on my family because it gives me a huge amount of anxiety and causes me an extreme amount of stress. Also our relationship isn’t 100% stable because I smoke pot for my pain and for morning sickness. Now I’m sure many people are going to freak out about me smoking pot while pregnant. I would like to say, “deep breaths it’ll be ok….look up Dr. Melanie Dreher.” She has been doing research on cannabis and pregnancy in Jamaica for over 30 years and there are no negative effects on the fetus during the 9 months, or when it’s born, or years later into life. Marc is very anti-pot and I’m very pro-pot. It might sound like something stupid to tear us apart but it’s the only thing that relieves my pain, stress, headaches, nausea, helps me sleep, combats my anxiety, gives me a happy boost, and lets me live my life. He understands that it works but he can’t see past the right wing propaganda. Marc has a good job and makes good money. He hasn’t finished school yet and I’m not going back to school but I’d like to be a yoga teacher….I can take classes through a local studio. Like I said before we also don’t live together and our leases end right when I’d be about ready to pop. I know that him and I love each other very much, that we could give a baby an enormous amount of love….but can we survive?
I have an appointment at planned parenthood friday so I have until then to talk myself into this or talk myself out of it. Are my dreams and goals and life going to be over if I keep it? Am I going to regret not having this baby? Will I ever be able to even get pregnant again? Is there any way him and I could do this on our own? Now I am PRO-Choice however personally until I was in this situation I never thought I’d even consider having an abortion. However I don’t want to bring a child into the world that won’t have it’s needs met. I don’t want to provide a half ass upbringing for the sake of saying I didn’t have an abortion I’m such a great person. Quality of life is key. Now I’m going to open this up for questions or comments and whatnot so please feel free to respond to this post or goto my blog and respond/ask a ? there. Thank You!
What’s a girl to do?
fightendo-deactivated20120403 asked: Greetings Endo Sister ~ Ah I can not tell you how much I love your posts. CBD and THC is incredibly beneficial for Endo Symptoms and pain. I would love to follow you on your journey through healing, I just created the support blog and am encouraging women to do so... Holistically. I would love to reblog some of your shared knowledge about Herbs and Supplements which are beneficial. How are you doing and how is the Healing Process? May I ask how long you've experienced this? Love and Light *
Namaste,
Please feel free to use any of the information I’ve posted. I’ve been dealing with Endo on and off since 2007 when I was diagnosed at 20yrs old and had my first surgery. My herbs are definitely working because I’ve been told for years that I’m infertile and my chances of getting pregnant were slim to none. I stopped using birth control/condoms for a long time because I knew there was no risk for me. Now I just found out on the 18th that I’m pregnant lol which is good news that my meds are working but not good news because I’m young, unmarried, have a chronic illness, haven’t been working due to pain, have no money to support myself let alone a child, and babies just aren’t for me. This might prove that my illness is responding to treatment but now I have a whole different problem to worry about. The MJ does help with my all day morning sickness however…too bad I’m out lol.
Thanks for the questions.
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